Outpost of the World

Well, I was right. Things really were too good to last. I feel so emotionally exhausted and sad that it's hard to breath. More later when I don't feel so glum. Promise. I'm just so tired of my heart hurting all the time that I can't bring myself to go into the details right now. ;^;

I just got the best text in the world from Andy a few minutes ago. We dated on and off for about a year, as some of you may recall. We've been seeing a lot of each other lately.

I hope this isn't terribly inappropriate, but you are so pretty. :0

I don't think this is a cue to get involved again, but it was still sweet. ♥

I feel like a jerk for saying this, but... Gosh. I'm just so relieved right now. Andy broke up with me yesterday afternoon; it was a quick, three minute cell-phone conversation on my way to the dinning hall to meet Stephanie. A lot of problems have arisen in our relationship since we got back together, which I'll explain in greater detail in just a second, but basically, everything pressing and troubling was discussed last week during break over chicken casidias. I asked him some tough questions, and I didn't get the answers I was looking for. Between that and the fact that I just didn't feel any romantic chemistry between us (Confession: it was getting to the point were kissing him made me feel a bit ill), it was time to end things.

For me, the biggest problem--and what ended up being a complete deal breaker--was that he got into some trouble with the police over winter vacation and tried to sweep most of it under the rug. He told be that he was getting charged with DUI/possession along with a few other people, but the way he spun the story around made it sound like he was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. It was at his friend's house down at school, it was his friend's alcohol, he wasn't drinking... I was sympathetic for a while, but after I found out who he was actually with, I started asking questions, and the truth slowly trickled out.

The bottom line is this; he was at home in December (right before we started going out again), in a car with three other girls that I'm acquainted with and both of us know to be troublesome (Two of them were from this entry! Fancy that!), they attracted the cop's attention because they were trespassing in a parking lot at a local park, all of them were drinking, and even though he won't own up, I suspect that it probably was his car, and his alcohol, considering that he has easy access to it at home and his parents don't ask questions.

If I had known this ahead of time, it would have completely changed my decision to start seeing him again. It was probably naive of me to believe the first story he told me, but up until that point he'd never lied to me before, so I didn't see any reason for him to be making things up. I think part of the rationale behind his actions was to save face, and the other part was to try and sugar-coat everything so that he'd still have a chance with me.

I guess I must sound sort of childish and prudish to be upset over this, considering that most nineteen year old college students drink, but... This whole event was just a big collection of him making the same mistakes over and over. He knew from experience that those girls were trouble. He's been warned previously by the police that hanging out in parks after dark is usually considered trespassing. He's been let off the hook for drinking before... Honestly, it was a culmination of not being able to learn from prior mistakes, and since he did it on my watch, it actually counted for something. I'm not interested in dating someone who one, won't own up to their shit when they do something wrong, and two, lacks enough common sense to stay out of trouble when they know they're on thin ice.

There are other factors that contributed to our demise; he thinks I'm a tight-ass because I go to a party school but don't party, and I think he tries too hard to make everyone like him and avoid conflict. He thinks I'm too serious and too judgmental, and I think he's too passive and... not on the same page as me from a mental perspective. We don't connect on a mental/emotional level so much as we simply have a lot to talk about. I'll say something that I think is deep or introspective and it'll either go right over his head or he'll misinterpret it. Wow... After saying all this, I realize that we were completely wrong for each other. XP I never ever though he was the one, but... I think I just wasted a few months of my love life that I'll never get back. XD A nice guy, but not for me.



Okay, even if the love of my life doesn't end up being some sort of leather pants wearing, sweet smiled, horribly egotistical, over-sexed German god of rock, I'll still be the happiest girl in the world when I can finally say that I'm in love. Because I haven't been. Ever. I know there's someone out there for me I just need to move on and keep looking for him. And because he's my soulmate, and therefore determined and ambitious like me, I take comfort in knowing that he's moving along and looking for me too. ;D



Love,

Popo

PS: Seeing as my computer just blue-screened, and my entry is still here, I give thanks to the gods of Auto-Save. Stop error 3f, you and I meet far to often, it seems. Anyone else think it's retarded that HP computers don't get along with HP printers? u__u;

Turn up the volume and watch I this. I promise you that it's not a RickRoll, as fun as that would be. XD



Happy Saturday, everyone! I'm so glad it's the weekend; I thought it would never arrive! :D

It's hard to believe, but as of today, I officially have less than a month of high school left! Graduation is on June 16th, and even though seniors are done with school on the 10th, it won't feel official until I've walked the stage and snagged my diploma. It's going to be such a long ceremony though... XD The class of 2008 at HHS has about 500 students walking so it's going to take forever. Nooooo! XD



Good news! Lori and I are top ten regional finalists for a $5,000 scholarship! We had to write and illustrate an original, 20+ page children's book with a storyline pertaining to the importance of tolerance and diversity. I think we had a pretty good entry, though I had a huge knot form in my stomach when I noticed we sent in our pages with a handful of tiny spelling errors.

The whole process was an ordeal that I'll never forget. XD We had only found out about the contest a month before it was due, and we were forced to work on it during prime robotics competition time, so it was hard to actually sit down and work. As expected, we waited until the last day to start getting down to business, and ended up working from about noon Friday to 2am Saturday. NON-STOP. XD We wanted to murder our characters about six hours in, and by the time we zipped up the story and emailed it to the judges, I think we were about ready to murder each other. XD The worst part is that a few weeks later, Lori sent me a link to the submission page, where I discovered that shortly after we had turned our entry in, the contest had been extended by another week or two. ARGH! XD

That said, I hope we win. Heads will roll if we don't get something because both of us are scarred for life by that experience. XD



I'm not really sure how I should recap yesterday's events because it was all just so strange. I got off to a bad start in the morning because I overslept and ended up missing a test -- something very unusual for me -- and I suppose it messed up my sense of time for the rest of the day because after that I felt like the clock was speeding up, then slowing down, then stopping, then blasting forward again. It was uncomfortable, to say the least, and the situation wasn't helped by the fact that I was awfully nervous about the afternoon.

I was invited out to eat with some friends after school, except that, you know, there was someone invited to come along who I've had a bit of a crush on [COUGH XD] and I'm pretty sure I was acting like some sort of bashful idiot the entire time because I couldn't think of anything to say, and Lori made me nervous the day before when she said that the feelings were requited by the young man in question (('Not even sure if that's true. ^^; )), and I felt like something was expected of me, though I don't know what. You know that expression there's an elephant in the room? It felt like that, or at least, Lori's intentional double-date atmosphere made it feel like that. XD I had a chance to redeem myself later at a Brawl party but I was so put off that I failed miserably. My heartfelt apologies to all those involved. Social Retardation = 1. Popo = 0 XD



I feel like mentioning that the weather today is beautiful. It's breezy and warm and cloudless, which is nice because it's rained incessantly for about two weeks now. I went out this morning to get a tan but was chased inside by an angry bumble bee. XD



Love,

Popo 
 


PS: Superbus, if you're out there reading this... What do you know about wayward Ctrl keys? TT__TT 

PPS: I'm still working on that meme from my last post. I haven't forgotten anyone! XD